Friday, August 14, 2015
He Makes Me Lie Down in Green Pastures
Well, I'm still alive. It's funny how a lack of online presence can really make people think you've fallen off the face of the earth. 10 years ago, the idea of having an "online presence" didn't even factor into my daily life. I'll never forget sitting across the table from my friend John Mays at a Starbucks on my first trip to Nashville in 2005 and hearing about Myspace and Facebook for the first time. Times sure have changed.
There have been a few reasons for my absence both on the blog and on social media. First, I just needed a break. I don't think the human mind was designed to be bombarded with information every nanosecond of every day. Constant scrolling, reading, absorbing, and comparing isn't necessarily healthy. So I took a break. And honestly, I've loved it. I don't think I'll be back on twitter and instagram everyday. It's just too much for me. But this blog is something I've missed, and I definitely want to be better about posting.
So much has happened in the last few months--not the least of which is the fact that my husband and I are expecting Baby #3! We are so thrilled, and I can't wait to meet this little one in March!!!
On that note, I've had pretty crazy morning sickness for the past few weeks. We're talking, I can't walk more than 5 steps without gagging. Anyone who has seen me play a show in August has probably thought, why is that poor girl dry heaving in the middle "He Knows My Name?" Well, now you know why. :)
I struggled with "morning" sickness with both of my other pregnancies, but this one takes the cake. It's been non-stop, y'all. Mamas, doctors, nurses--I welcome any and all advice that you can give. I've tried essential oils (which you know I love, but I currently can't stand the smell of anything), eating protein every hour, the Unisom/B6 combo, and eating watermelon, and nothing has helped significantly. I feel good for approximately one hour in the morning right when I wake up, and 1 hour at night right before I go to bed, but the rest of the day is pretty much misery unless I'm lying in bed. Even then it's iffy.
The hardest part of this for me has been feeling like my life is on hold. It's one constant cycle of waking up, trying to eat, hugging the kids, going back to bed and watching more TV than I'd ever care to, and wondering if I can make it through a shower without throwing up. Then back to bed. It's HARD. I like to be in constant motion--cleaning, cooking, organizing, working, going, doing, accomplishing, being productive. I don't like feeling helpless. The fact that I've made it through 7 shows in the last few weeks is only Jesus. I've walked onstage for almost every one thinking I couldn't physically do it, but miraculously, He's gotten me through every one. Even when the sun was beating down right on me and my black stage clothes for 60 minutes, and I thought I was going to pass out. God is faithful.
I was talking to my mom this morning and telling her how I feel like I just can't function, and how it's been so hard to be helpless. It doesn't feel natural. I just want to accomplish something. She reminded me of one of my favorite Psalms. Psalm 23:1-3a says, "The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me besides the still water. He restores my soul."
She said, sometimes the Lord makes us lie down in green pastures. He doesn't give us a choice but to rest. And we shouldn't run from it. Maybe He just wants more time with me. Maybe He wants to speak to my heart. Maybe I should turn off the TV and turn up the worship music and just listen to what He's saying in this season. Yes, its hard. No, I don't want to go through this for one more minute. But if Jesus is my shepherd, and He's making me lie down in green pastures right now, then I will soak it up. Because he also restores my soul. I'm believing for that in this season. What are you believing for?